1. Nobody ever tells you that when you graduate college and become an "adult" all your "friends" will stop talking to you. But it will be your fault! Go take a walk! Go grab a taxi to rhs chelsea flower show. You will live a boring life and then get married for the sake of it. You will have exclusive hen party themes and then your life will begin...
2. Nobody ever tells you when you're about to befriend a crazy person. It just comes out after the fact. In passing. Like, "Well I thought he/she was crazy, but I didn't know how to tell you." I don't know, maybe, just say it so I don't sleep over in his/her bed?
3. Nobody ever tells you that when you get a "real" full job you will still live paycheck to paycheck. In an apartment. Checking your account balance like an addict to avoid overdrafts.
For all those things that nobody ever told you, here is my list of everything that isn't said but should be. What you need to know but nobody ever tells you.
1. You're fat. The only way to change that is to stop eating crap and workout. Every day. You're body will not magically go back to what you looked like in high school. You didn't gain the 50 lbs from birth control, a broken leg, or any other crazy invention. You gained weight because you ate crap.
2. Nobody cares what you say if you're going to whine. They might listen to you or read about it, but then they make fun of you. Mercilessly. If your doctor has to keep it confidentional so should you. Stop the passive aggressive attention whoring and get a shrink. Facebook is not a psychologist.
3. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you're special. There's another 6 billion people on the planet and about half of them had/have/or will have babies. It's called the circle of life. Keep it to yourself. And no, I don't want to see you naked, hugging your bump or toddler to your breasts. That's called porn. And it's illegal.
4. There are 5,897,592,375,239 people hotter than you. No matter how you purse your lips or tilt your head or hand your hips, someone is always hotter. Get over yourself.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
What I wish I knew then...
1. Nobody ever tells you that when you graduate college and become an "adult" all your "friends" will stop talking to you. But it will be your fault. You will live a boring life and then get married for the sake of it. You will have exclusive hen party themes and then your life will begin...
2. Nobody ever tells you when you're about to befriend a crazy person. It just comes out after the fact. In passing. Like, "Well I thought he/she was crazy, but I didn't know how to tell you." I don't know, maybe, just say it so I don't sleep over in his/her bed?
3. Nobody ever tells you that when you get a "real" full job you will still live paycheck to paycheck. In an apartment. Checking your account balance like an addict to avoid overdrafts.
For all those things that nobody ever told you, here is my list of everything that isn't said but should be. What you need to know but nobody ever tells you.
1. You're fat. The only way to change that is to stop eating crap and workout. Every day. You're body will not magically go back to what you looked like in high school. You didn't gain the 50 lbs from birth control, a broken leg, or any other crazy invention. You gained weight because you ate crap.
2. Nobody cares what you say if you're going to whine. They might listen to you or read about it, but then they make fun of you. Mercilessly. If your doctor has to keep it confidentional so should you. Stop the passive aggressive attention whoring and get a shrink. Facebook is not a psychologist.
3. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you're special. There's another 6 billion people on the planet and about half of them had/have/or will have babies. It's called the circle of life. Keep it to yourself. And no, I don't want to see you naked, hugging your bump or toddler to your breasts. That's called porn. And it's illegal.
4. There are 5,897,592,375,239 people hotter than you. No matter how you purse your lips or tilt your head or hand your hips, someone is always hotter. Get over yourself.
2. Nobody ever tells you when you're about to befriend a crazy person. It just comes out after the fact. In passing. Like, "Well I thought he/she was crazy, but I didn't know how to tell you." I don't know, maybe, just say it so I don't sleep over in his/her bed?
3. Nobody ever tells you that when you get a "real" full job you will still live paycheck to paycheck. In an apartment. Checking your account balance like an addict to avoid overdrafts.
For all those things that nobody ever told you, here is my list of everything that isn't said but should be. What you need to know but nobody ever tells you.
1. You're fat. The only way to change that is to stop eating crap and workout. Every day. You're body will not magically go back to what you looked like in high school. You didn't gain the 50 lbs from birth control, a broken leg, or any other crazy invention. You gained weight because you ate crap.
2. Nobody cares what you say if you're going to whine. They might listen to you or read about it, but then they make fun of you. Mercilessly. If your doctor has to keep it confidentional so should you. Stop the passive aggressive attention whoring and get a shrink. Facebook is not a psychologist.
3. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you're special. There's another 6 billion people on the planet and about half of them had/have/or will have babies. It's called the circle of life. Keep it to yourself. And no, I don't want to see you naked, hugging your bump or toddler to your breasts. That's called porn. And it's illegal.
4. There are 5,897,592,375,239 people hotter than you. No matter how you purse your lips or tilt your head or hand your hips, someone is always hotter. Get over yourself.
I hate tweens
I hate tweens. There, I said it. I teach middle school and so at this point you probably think I'm a mean old grump just in it for the money. But the reality is that I'm smart and I teach 5th grade, the last grade before the terrible something that happens as kids transition to 6th grade. Call it puberty. Call it maturation. Call it whatever you want. It sucks.
There are so many reasons to hate tweens, so I'll only focus on a few. First, they are inconsiderate to all other human beings on earth except their bff's!!!!! Take for example how tweens can manage to get in your way even on an empty street. They're so self absorbed they can't even be bothered to look up from their tweets and texts and status updates. (Oh, you have an iphone? That's funny, because I'm 28 and I still can't afford one!) They crash into you. They make you play the zig zag game. They wander back in forth over the pavement like a drunk, never staying to one side long enough so you can scoot by. It makes you want to literally run them over with a steam shovel or something. I'm pretty sure even parents hate their tweens and wish they could give them back for a just a few years until they can function again normally in society. (Maybe I should open up some kind of tween donation center for those years? I could be on to something...)
Anyway, tweens also lose their command over the English language. They suddenly become incabable of forming more than 1 to 2 word sentences. "Do you want colored pencils or markers?" "Whatever." No, NOT, whatever, it's a question where you have to pick one, so pick one! Most of these teeny tiny sentences also come out in mumbles which just adds to the frustration. Tweens have no loss for words with friends. Which parents quickly find out when their cell bills go up $238,592 because their tween sent 334,434,232 texts and went over their hours so much it was like they used up two months in one.
Maybe it's just me, but when I was that age I spoke in full sentences, said thank you, played outside for days, stayed out of the way of adults, and respected the law of the land. I learned how to wait. I didn't have to be bribed. And best of all I could sustain my attention for more than a nano second. If technology is in fact supposed to be making us "smarter", what's the excuse behind this tween sensation?
There are so many reasons to hate tweens, so I'll only focus on a few. First, they are inconsiderate to all other human beings on earth except their bff's!!!!! Take for example how tweens can manage to get in your way even on an empty street. They're so self absorbed they can't even be bothered to look up from their tweets and texts and status updates. (Oh, you have an iphone? That's funny, because I'm 28 and I still can't afford one!) They crash into you. They make you play the zig zag game. They wander back in forth over the pavement like a drunk, never staying to one side long enough so you can scoot by. It makes you want to literally run them over with a steam shovel or something. I'm pretty sure even parents hate their tweens and wish they could give them back for a just a few years until they can function again normally in society. (Maybe I should open up some kind of tween donation center for those years? I could be on to something...)
Anyway, tweens also lose their command over the English language. They suddenly become incabable of forming more than 1 to 2 word sentences. "Do you want colored pencils or markers?" "Whatever." No, NOT, whatever, it's a question where you have to pick one, so pick one! Most of these teeny tiny sentences also come out in mumbles which just adds to the frustration. Tweens have no loss for words with friends. Which parents quickly find out when their cell bills go up $238,592 because their tween sent 334,434,232 texts and went over their hours so much it was like they used up two months in one.
Maybe it's just me, but when I was that age I spoke in full sentences, said thank you, played outside for days, stayed out of the way of adults, and respected the law of the land. I learned how to wait. I didn't have to be bribed. And best of all I could sustain my attention for more than a nano second. If technology is in fact supposed to be making us "smarter", what's the excuse behind this tween sensation?
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