Wednesday, July 13, 2016

What I wish I knew then...

1. Nobody ever tells you that when you graduate college and become an "adult" all your "friends" will stop talking to you. But it will be your fault! Go take a walk! Go grabtaxi to rhs chelsea flower show. You will live a boring life and then get married for the sake of it. You will have exclusive hen party themes and then your life will begin...

2. Nobody ever tells you when you're about to befriend a crazy person. It just comes out after the fact. In passing. Like, "Well I thought he/she was crazy, but I didn't know how to tell you." I don't know, maybe, just say it so I don't sleep over in his/her bed?

3. Nobody ever tells you that when you get a "real" full job you will still live paycheck to paycheck. In an apartment. Checking your account balance like an addict to avoid overdrafts.

For all those things that nobody ever told you, here is my list of everything that isn't said but should be. What you need to know but nobody ever tells you.

1. You're fat. The only way to change that is to stop eating crap and workout. Every day. You're body will not magically go back to what you looked like in high school. You didn't gain the 50 lbs from birth control, a broken leg, or any other crazy invention. You gained weight because you ate crap.

2. Nobody cares what you say if you're going to whine. They might listen to you or read about it, but then they make fun of you. Mercilessly. If your doctor has to keep it confidentional so should you. Stop the passive aggressive attention whoring and get a shrink. Facebook is not a psychologist.

3. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you're special. There's another 6 billion people on the planet and about half of them had/have/or will have babies. It's called the circle of life. Keep it to yourself. And no, I don't want to see you naked, hugging your bump or toddler to your breasts. That's called porn. And it's illegal.

4. There are 5,897,592,375,239 people hotter than you. No matter how you purse your lips or tilt your head or hand your hips, someone is always hotter. Get over yourself.

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